Friends No More
What’s more important friendship or trust? Would you still save the friendship even though the trust was betrayed or was simply broken? Or would you leave whatever level of friendship you have because you were betrayed and hurt?
I always believe that trust is a strong foundation of any kind of relationship. Be it friendship or a romantic one – especially a romantic one. But I am such a naive, I trust people too much that even if that person did something that’s not so-nice to me, I still give them second-chances to redeem themselves. Which is just but right – at least for me. I always think that people do things unintentionally and would always want to be given second-chances to prove that they are still worthy of someone’s trust. But when do we say it’s too much? Or it’s over?
Because I think this way, I gave a friend a second-chance to redeem herself, to prove that what she did to me the last time was not the real her; that she just did it because she had no choice and I was the unfortunate person to experience that bad side about her but what can I say, I am a friend and whatever you are to me, that is you and I am fine with that. So, we did not see each other for such a long time that I almost forgot what she did to me.
True to the definition of naive, I am the living proof. If it is a bad thing then, I have to find solution to change that in me. I gave her a second chance. I trusted her. She gained it even though at the back of my mind I was questioning my own decision if it was right or I was just being paranoid to think otherwise. I had to trust her. She showed me that she deserved to be trusted. She did not do anything that would make me think that something fishy was happening.
She know me. She knows my weaknesses. I am a very transparent person. What you see is what you get. I never hide anything about me. That’s what will cause my downfall as my friends will tell me. She knows my every secret. She knows my life story. She became friend with my friends. She was there every time, any time. As if she was my temporary best friend.
I won’t be writing what actually happened to the friendship or how it turned sour. It’s just that I woke up one day and realized that I was talked into something I never really asked for her to do but I did because she talked me into it and I believed her and most of all I trusted her. I asked for her to give me everything back. I gave her time. I gave her understanding. But til now, I don’t have anything yet.
It was my biggest mistake. Call me stupid but I trusted her too much.
I am so much hurt because I trusted her so much and I cherished the friendship so much, she was almost a sister to me. I was given false promises, that every time the day that she promised comes, she’d nowhere to be found not even let me know what has happened.
But as they say, you learn your lesson the hard way.
Still, I don’t want to end the friendship because I have invested in it but I can’t give her the trust I gave her. And like I said, trust is every relationship’s foundation and it matters to me the most. Once it is broken, it would be difficult for me to trust someone back.
Maybe I can still keep the friendship but I would never give her the amount of trust I gave her. It will take time for us to get back to normal, I don’t really know if everything will go back to normal. All I know is that the scar will be there and will stay there for the rest of forever.
K
Snow Fall
This is Lucille outside on October Snow. Myluvs call his car Lucille just like any other guys I know, they give names to their wheels. She’s his temporary love of course while I am away. Understandable since she brings him to the office, she makes sure he’s home safely, she waits for him. Like what I do.
But I am not writing about her today. I am writing about my first snowfall experience.
Snow fell October, eve of myluvs’ birthday. We went to an amusement park to have fun then went back to spend the rest of the night at a friend’s house. It was snowing but I didn’t get the chance to see the fall because it was dark. Cold of course. Nothing special, nothing exciting. Only I was with myluv at that time I experienced snowfall.
Myluvs scraped the snow from Lucille’s windows and from the windshield. Making sure I get a good view of the road. He handed me coats to keep me warm and of course I wore my boots. It was slippery and icy while driving. Darker than the usual. Gray to best describe the colors around.
I wanted to touch the snow. I wanted to feel it on my own hands. I was happy finally seeing white around me.
The next day was something else, it was myluv’s birthday, I chose to go out alone to buy our food and surprise him with a cake. Then when I peek outside, I saw this view. I saw white falling and it was cold. I tried catching it and waited for a snowflake which is what I wanted. But there were no snowflakes around. Oh, bad.
I liked seeing and watching it fall. I like it fall around me. Reminded me of the movie Edward Scissors hands. I felt like a kid first time to see snow and wanting to not stop the fall. I just like how it fall. When it’s already on the ground, it made me sad. I know I won’t be seeing anything like it again. But it was all good. I was happy seeing it like a child given a lollipop.
This is the best shot I got while it was pouring and I am going to keep this. Until I get another good one maybe.
K
What Makes a Good Relationship Work
It is undeniably the love month. I can’t avoid it. I smell flowers and I can see couples are extra sweet this month. Add to that the additional charges to chocolates being sold and different gift suggestions and gimmicks by many of our friend entrepreneurs. I wonder why, kidding.
But it’s a nice feeling seeing people in love because I think there is still real love around. Sucks when I think of my love, myluvs, away from me. Oh, well, as they always say: that’s life.
My friends sometimes catch me looking at sweet couples, chatting and holding hands and wonder. Once I was caught by a friend staring at a guy in front of me planting a kiss to his lady love. Which I don’t understand why I was doing it, then after, I asked him how do they do that? How do they keep it real and genuine. Do they always need to do that in this time of the month? And much to my dismay, I was answered back by a question: How do you do it?
But what really makes a good relationship work?
First things first is to love each other – genuinely and unconditionally. No pretenses. No questions. No buts. No ifs. Just genuine and unconditional love.
I believe that we should always keep an open communication, constant and true. It helps especially for us that we’re far from each other.
Keeping the trust. A very important component of a relationship. Ours is based purely on trust. Genuine trust that both will be honest and true, never have to lie or hurt each other. One lie will lead to another which will eventually ruin the love you both have for each other. So that’s a no-no.
Pride is something people should actually learn to work on. I myself, had difficulty giving it up or lowering it down but I know that if you love someone, you have to consider things that can hurt each other and things that should never hurt your love one even if it hurts you. Of course, you can’t avoid having conflicts but knowing which makes the relationship grow healthy will eventually help you both realize that pride has no place at all. When someone got hurt, apologize, forgive and forget. No rooms for holding a grudge. What for?
Nobody is perfect. We’re not born perfect. We make mistakes, we correct them, we learn from them. The thing is, since nobody is perfect why not be the right one instead of trying to be the perfect one for your partner? This is where couples find the imperfections from their partners. Some try to look for the perfect one but really there is none. It may be too late to know that you may have found the right one for you when all your life you were looking for the perfect one. It maybe difficult being the right one but proving your worth of the love of one another will make your relationship seem perfect in the eyes of many.
Many of my friends envy me and myluv for having a strong relationship and enduring the long distance affair add to that the extra complicated things we have. Maybe that’s why when I asked I was answered back with a question. Sometimes, it’s difficult to prove that I can make it work, that we make it work because all they can see is a one-side of the story. But seeing me glow gives them the satisfaction that I am indeed happy in my relationship.
The above post should serve as a reminder to everyone in love. Falling in love is just the start of a long and unconditional relationship between you and your partner. Making it work is the challenge you both should be dealing with. Taking care of your relationship should always be a priority. You don’t want to regret anything in the end by not doing something to make it work, I bet.
K
Hearts Month It Is
This is the love month.
Exactly a week before the hearts day. A special day for those involved and loved. A dreadful day for those still single for who knows how long now. And an ordinary day for those who love but is not getting the love they need. And of course for people like me, having a loved one and being loved who cannot be together yet.
I have lost excitement whenever the day cupid is actually shooting his arrows everywhere and to everyone. I lost interest of spending it romantically with or without a loved one. Have I become a numb from my past experiences?
Although I did receive bouquet of flowers or just a stem of flower, some cards from anonymous people. And some late invitations to a dinner or to a party, I still never felt it should actually be spent like a very special day like most people do. At least not for me.
Why? Because I have been disappointed many times. I have been heart-broken so many times that I feel like there is no need to celebrate it anymore. Surely, I was in loved but I think it’s just so cheesy for us to celebrate it on the date itself.
I would have wanted a dinner, yes. Anything that surprises me but as I said, I have been disappointed many times that I feel like I’ve made myself dread the day not to come. So cruel of me.
As I try to remember what had happened to me on this particular day for the past years, I don’t remember anything really special. It was always a regular day for me. A regular day at work. A regular day. Nothing special for me. This may be for reasons that I was always busy, I was focused on something else that I didn’t have time to be excited for something like this day. May also be that I was not really into it and was not given the rightful attention to make me feel special. Oh, well it was a decade of numbness I think at least that I was not looking forward to this day.
Once, I planned on what to do on this special day with a special someone then but it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I barely remember now what happened one day but I can recall that instead of treating me special, we got into a big fight which ruined the day and ruined my anticipation of celebrating it. After that, if I am right, I also took this specific day off one time since I was always busy at work and I thought putting effort to my once relationship would make it more special. Then again, I was wrong.
Then I begin to question just why would everybody put too much time and effort on this day I asked myself’ when you can always treat everyday special and just like a hearts day – Valentine’s day to be precise. I think giving effort to a relationship should not be only on that day. It should be everyday. Both parties must give time to each other and which is already an effort and that should make you feel special considering that the time being spent on you is not a spare rather a real time specially meant just for you.
Right now, I have my reasons to not really celebrate it but to at least give attention to this upcoming V-day as what everyone calls it. I have my love, myluvs, and our relationship. Our effort to make time to each other, our effort to make the relationship work even if we’re miles apart from each other is something most people already envies about us. I feel that since we’re far from each other and alone, something not usual from our everyday routine should be done. My first to spend it with a love one far from me. And I also want to feel again that there is something special on this day or if there is really something that should entice my anticipation for this day.
I have no idea yet. I am not sure yet. But just to take his mind off from the many things he’s been thinking lately and the stress he’s going through, an endless talking on this day and a movie date on weekend I think will do. Something far from ordinary but still something worthwhile.
Just what can we do when we’re miles apart from each other? Just spending quality time will be enough for me. At least I think for now.
K
Learning to Love’ My Own
It’s been eight months since my surgery. I was on a long vacation after that. I gained so much weight that I am now having difficulty regaining my old body. I am having a hard time getting back to my old self. Worst, my fear that I won’t be able to wear my two-piece (I hope not) this coming summer is slowly getting into me. Which I hate.
I was informed that I was not supposed to carry heavy loads or do strenuous activities for the first three months because the inside wound is not fully healed, so the first three months were food, bed and a couch potato. Then on the fourth month, I can only do light runs or jog or brisk walking but not too much. I can go back to my old activities after six months but not totally everything; I am not allowed to do weight lifts yet so my gym regimen and my kick-boxing training were put to a halt. It will take about a year for me to fully recover.
I cannot complain nor can I blame anyone nor blame myself. I didn’t know and I wouldn’t have known there was something in me if I did not experience something painful on my side of the body. I didn’t know what was going on in me. Although I do have my regular OB visits and my annual check-ups still it did not appear.
Never did I undergo a procedure or surgery not even when I gave birth. It was a normal delivery then I went back to my old self like nothing happened. I got fat, yes, like any normal pregnant women does but then I lose everything after. I was able to wear my two-piece and can still walk like I never gave birth.
Right now, it’s not how it is. I have unwanted fats. I have deliberately changed my whole wardrobe. I cannot wear any of my swimsuits anymore. I actually hate looking at myself in the mirror lately.
So I am on a strict diet. No rice. I have to watch what I eat. I have to go back to my ever-reliable oatmeal. I do run again for half an hour. I sweat alot. Good thing, I perspire alot.
Whenever my good friend, Judith and I meet up we discuss how we were in High School how we wish we were as small as way back then. But I said, I think that’s too much to ask. We have to love what we have, or at least trim down a bit so we can lose a size or two. Somehow it will boost your self-esteem knowing that you’re comfortable and you love your own body. And it also helps especially to them to conceive since they’ve been trying for how many years now.
But I cannot be a hypocrite. I cannot say I love my own now. Instead I do want to trim a bit more. I want to go back to my old exercise routine. It makes me more confident. It does. So I think I have to go back and live a healthy lifestyle again.
Grrr! Guess I have to starve myself again. Tee-ha!
K
In Life and In Love
In life and in love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
I want to disagree on the above excerpt. However, as I try to look into my own experiences, there could be some truth to this.
Last night, my friend and I had a chat and we were talking about life’s choices. He obligingly told me his story of love and how he managed to move on from his serious relationship that almost cost his break down to now a happily married life.
People change love – as I am fondly called. True. People change but does it mean that with the changes that’s happening your feelings towards somebody you love also change? Some people change for the better because they mature then realize that they want to grow old with their current partner not grow apart. But there are some who change because there are things that two of them can never grow together in life and the sad part is that they cannot do that with their current partner. Some just grow out of love because of what transpired during the course of their relationship. That’s when they feel they have fallen out of love.
For his part, he and the girlfriend of his for three years who was also a friend way back in High School grew apart. They started having different outlook in life. They started to do different things apart. Then the inevitable happened, what they thought was a one great love for them just became part of their history now. He told me that staying in love, like he is now with his wife, needs a lot of sacrifices and a lot of patience and understanding from both parties. Nothing is a fairy-tale in life. You have to make choices and they come with big consequences and responsibilities.
True again. And with those choices we all know that one way or another it would make our life miserable or better depending on how we take it.
As for me, I don’t easily fall out of love. I am very patient and I take consideration different aspects in my partner’s life. I try to understand more because I know I can do and I can give more of it and seldom that I ask for anything in return.
However, could it be that I am giving more than what I should be investing? Could it be that I am giving more that I am leaving nothing for myself which then hurts me so much than anyone else can imagine? Could it be that the reason I am being ignored or neglected is that I give more and expect little?
I hate the feeling. I don’t ask for anything big or anything grand or anything that’s impossible. I am in fact, fine with how everything as far as love is concern. Just which part did I not do right? Or did I overly do anything to make me deserve being taken for granted? Or am just not asking the right things? Maybe I am just not worth the time anymore.
Then again, my friends would ask me, why do you choose to be like that; it’s as if you haven’t learned from your past. My answer is that: you know how I am when I love so much. Again, I may get hurt for the nth time but it’s my choice and I tried. If you see me cry again that’s because I know I have given so much but still I got neglected. Still, it’s my choice.
K
Trying to Understand
It’s been awhile since Kurt and I had a not-so-serious talk but a nice conversation. Ever since he started playing the League of Legions he has been spending time trying to be a better player. He is just being him. So child-like. So Kurty. So myluvs.
I had a difficult time adjusting to this kind of activity since it’s been eating too much of his time especially his time for me. I am not used to it and I don’t like it.
My time for him is my time for him. His time for me should only be for me. It’s what we had agreed upon. But what has been happening? Is it because he has grown accustomed of me now that he doesn’t feel the need to spend time with me anymore? Or has he grown tired of me? Or has he became so lax that he thinks I always make time for him and he doesn’t need to make an extra effort to do so. Or am not just worth the time anymore.
I never want to sound like someone asking for attention, I am never like that. I don’t like having to beg for his time. I don’t like sounding like a nagger or like the jealous-type. I always say I don’t do that because it’s not me. And do I really have the right to do that?
Seriously, I get hurt when he chooses to play than spend time with me. Considering the time he already spent outside, at his work or with his colleagues or with his friends it is only but right that he makes time for me and that time should only be meant for me noone else. I am extremely sensitive. I don’t like being taken for granted.
My time has always been for my work, for him and for the kids and I always make sure nothing comes my way when it is my time for him. I am a good time-juggler if you can call it that way. I don’t want anyone feeling the way I am feeling right now. I never want to make anyone feel neglected or ignored so as much as possible I make time for everything for everyone.
I get irritated when I get to think of the time he spends in front of the computer playing. No more movie time and no more we-time. It feels like he is in another dimension when he arrives and switches the computer on then play. As if I don’t exist. Which I so hate more than anything else. I don’t like being ignored or being neglected because I don’t do that. I don’t put him at the back seat. He is always a priority.
So what is happening? I don’t see anything I did wrong or did I overly do it?
I am trying to understand. I am trying to put explanation to his otherwise weird actions. No matter how shallow my sensitivity is I know I need something to hold on to our relationship. Just by assuring me that everything is alright, that nothing has changed. I’d be fine. Just that..
K
Always A Bridesmaid Never the Bride
Exchange of rings
This is a shot of a friend who got married just recently, yes, made me write something about the feeling of being part of an entourage.
I never wanted to sound bitter or anything nor do I want to write something about this topic especially with this title; however I could not think of a more appropriate one to use. So here we go…
I have always been a bridesmaid, a maid of honor and was a flower girl too but as the title says never the bride. Do I sound bitter? No. No. No.
The feeling of seeing my friends or relatives getting married is actually nice especially when I am part of the entourage. I get excited helping out fixing the gown I am going to use. Practicing for the whole program. On the day itself getting my hair done and having my make-up done and dressing up. Then participating in the whole ceremony whether I am lighting up the candle or putting the cord or veil. The speech which I’ve done for a couple and a cousin, to the bouquet tossing. That part I like because I like the bouquet not that I want to catch the bouquet itself just for the sake of receiving it, there was a time that I just asked for the bouquet without participating in the toss. I love the whole process because I can feel the festivity in the air, because of how it is being celebrated, everybody is happy and entertained. I have my own collection of different color of gowns to use because of different color motifs, which I like too. Well, add to that the shoes since I love wearing heels and just for the fact that they are footwear. I can actually write a wedding ceremony just by the number of weddings I have attended.
I feel happy for them. I don’t get bitter or jealous with them tying the knot but sometimes I do wish of having my own at the right time. Now, don’t get me wrong but wishing is different from really planning on the idea of really being hooked up. It would be nicer to do it once and with only the person I really am sure of spending my forever. Someone I know will take care of me and loves me so much that won’t ever want to let me go. Dreamer that I am.
I don’t intend to get married and then divorced then marry again. Excusez moi to some but If I’d be asked, I would like it to be forever and I would like my first marriage to be my last. So idealistic me. Before, I entertained the idea of settling down but as I get older, the thought of it makes me seek more for the right reasons to do it and begin to question who is this man that I would like to spend my forever with.
That never came with my former relationship even if he was the father of my kids. Crashed as I was for learning that he was not the right one for me and he would not be my future husband-to-be, I realized I was not ready for it. Because I saw how my life would turn out if I ended up forever with him. And I didn’t see myself growing old with him. Then I heard the most senseless and idiotic answer to why we should get married. After which, I decided that marriage was not for me or maybe until someone comes enough to be called my man.
And until that day comes, I will still be a bridesmaid or maid of honor. It still is a very nice feeling that I am part of two people’s lives as husband and wife and who consider me as part of their life because I am included on their special day.
K
Random Things About Me
Instead of posting on Twitter like everybody is doing, I’ve decided to write them here.
1. I love shoes; with heels are better
2. I love dresses and skirts.
3. I love Pink, Red and White then Black
4. I love nature; especially the beach
5. I love travelling whether alone or with a company of friends or with myluvs
6. I love movies and television series
7. I prefer tea over coffee or chocolate drinks
8. I am a cry-baby; I cry at simplest things
9. I sleep with lights on if I am alone
10. I love teddy bears; I got a new one
11. I am afraid of roller-coasters and the likes
12. I jog and I run and I kick-box
13. I have a favorite shirt which I love wearing
14. I write; which not everybody knows
15. I like keeping my hair long
16. I love bread; all kinds
17. I love cooking and of course eating
18. I sing like I am pro even though I am always out of tune. LOL
19. I am slow with computer games; I can’t keep up with online gaming
20. I read books or magazines backwards; I start at the back
21. I love my kids very much
22. I trust so much that I get betrayed
23. I am afraid of dogs because I was bitten when I was younger
24. I visit the Church most especially when I needed guidance
25. I like driving at a speed
26. I like to learn to scuba dive; I think it’s fun
27. I use over-sized bags for my things and keep it open for security checks; I prefer not to have zippers on my bags
28. I can’t live without my phone, my lip balm and the internet
29. I love myluvs
30. I am learning to love myself more as advised
K
